Home remedies

Ok so I’m sick. I’m convinced that somehow I ingested the flu bug in it’s raw form through some sort of chemical warfare testing accident involving homeland security, stem cell research and Red Lobster’s fried shrimp plate.

It all started with a harmless throat tickle of the sort you get when there is an errant dust mote exploring your respiratory system. By the end of the day there was a cold lumpy chunk of unpleasantness sitting in my chest that refused to be budged by normal means such as coughing and spicy foods. That gradually dissolved into debilitating (I love that word) body aches deserving of a steam roller reference and a negative amount of energy which meant that even changing the channel on the telly required a rest period. Fever and chills stopped by for a visit but seem to have been scared away by clogged sinuses and the sore throat from hell. The fact that I currently sound like the love child of a penguin and a seal being chased by a nightmare could also have something to do with it.

I could make this into a post about all of the horrible tv I’ve seen in the last 4 days or about the odd things Nyquil does to my head but I’m desperately craving a return to the world of the living so I need some advice. Now in the past four days… I’ve done

• Nyquil (you’ve seen the commercials)
• Dayquil (ditto)
• Comtrex (deep chest cold)
• Aspirin (to keep my heart healthy…. right)
• Aleve (in hopes it would do something about the aching)
• Halls honey lemon mentho-lyptus cough drops (not nearly as helpful as the name might suggest)
• Cepacol (supposedly like novocaine for the sore throat. It might have worked if my throat were on my tongue)
• and a random dose of Robitussin that I found in the bottom of my medicine box

As scary as this list is… there is still more. My family has always been big on alternative health options and I’m not one to turn up my nose at the home remedies that turn up in families that have ever (a) lived in the country (any country… doesn’t matter) or (b) gotten sick. This is where you come in. So far I’ve done

• Onions (no biggy… I like onions… not sure that they helped though)
• Honey
• Lemon juice
• Various herbal tea blends especially formulated for helping the body fight the evil that is sickness… including “Cold and Flu”, “Throat Coat”, and “Echinacea something or the other”
• Pickle juice
• Salt water
• A red tin/tiger balm neck wrap (If you don’t know what it is… just know that it’s highly dangerous and also smelly)
• Heating pad
• Orange juice / Grapefruit juice / Vitamin C
• Chicken soup
• Lots of liquids
• and various combinations of the above

In addition to this list I know that pot liquor works but I’m not cooking. Someone from work suggested a hot toddy which I haven’t a clue how to make. Someone else from work suggested hot Captain Morgan and honey. While it seems entirely likely that this would cause me to pass out or puke, either way invoking some healing magic, I’m not about to buy an entire bottle of rum just to put it to the test. Although I may very well regret this… what suggestions do you have?